its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
tell me about the eggs
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
