I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
