got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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