yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
When are your genitals available?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
