Four minutes until I can fart!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
