So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
