So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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