Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
