Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I touched a dick in church today
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
