I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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