alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize