And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
