i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
