I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
