First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
