Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
