When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
