We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
