you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
