she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
