Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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