she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
