it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
