if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
