regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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