Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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