I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
