Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
