you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
