I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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