Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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