I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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