Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
