your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
