I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
