were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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