About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
