I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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