Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
