I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
