It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
