Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
