Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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