piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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