I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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