forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
