i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
