the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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