the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
