My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
