she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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