He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
